Being born and raised in New Jersey basically makes me an expert of all things mall related. Now I will admit, I do have a healthy distaste for shopping centers even though I have been surrounded by them my whole life. In theory the concept of a mall seems practical, but in reality shopping in one is far from it. Unfortunately there are times when I do feel the need for immediate gratification and have to venture out to purchase an item in person. If you share my attitude towards the sometimes unavoidable occurrence of shopping in a mall then follow my advice. We can get through this together as painlessly as possible. And since lesbians are like snowflakes, I know there’s a lot of you out there that love a trip to your local retail gauntlet. This guide may not be for you but please read on, because I am funny and I like attention.

I tackle each shopping excursion like a tactical mission. Quick in, acquire goal then immediate exit. This can only be accomplished with pre-planning your entire trip. Don’t just show up to the mall, park anywhere and head on in. This will just lead to a long shopping disaster and eventual mental breakdown. First you must decide on the store or stores you need your precious items from and then pick the closest parking area. I personally tend to park a little further from the entrance. You may have to walk further, but you avoid crazed shoppers fighting over spaces and soccer moms in SUV tanks backing into you when you try to leave. Before you enter you should know your route and never deviate. Don’t be distracted by all the human noise that surrounds you, that is how the mall gets into your soul. Once you possess your goods, you now need to haul ass back to your car. With enough experience you can use the shortcut you came up with on the way in to make an even quicker escape.

The biggest mistake you can ever make is going into an anchor store solely as a means to enter the mall. There are too many variables to contend with that even someone with my level of knowledge should avoid these stores at all costs. First off, there is entrance & exit confusion. I think these stores are planned to make it next to impossible to find the entrance to the mall. It forces you to walk around aimlessly in hopes that you will buy their flowy tunic tops and handbags. When you finally do find the way out it is always through the Perfume Thunderdome. I have never had one of these salespeople spray me in the face like you always see on TV. Otherwise I would be writing this from jail cell due to my assault conviction. They are still pretty annoying though, trying to shove their scented cards in your vicinity or offer you a makeup session. I didn’t come to the mall to leave looking like Mimi from Drew Carey, but thanks for the offer.

As stated in Tip #1, your goal is to get in and out of the shopping establishment as quickly as possible. Vendors will only slow you down. If you make eye contact with them, it is inviting them to approach and offer you some strange item or service. You must be vigilant. Strike down that threading request. No, I don’t need hair extensions or a remote control helicopter. And is that a dead ferret attached to a battery powered ball? This is madness!

The food court is an evil temptress. All seemingly tasty choices packed into one small area. But don’t be drawn in, you will come out an hour later confused and bloated. There is no need to purchase anything there. Half of the places are just mini versions of fast food you can get anywhere outside the mall and the other half are bound to give you intestinal problems. You would never drive anywhere outside the mall to just get a bubble tea or ice cream in pellet form, so don’t be swayed when you’re on your shopping mission.
Lastly, the only circumstance I can’t help you with is shopping with a significant other that doesn’t share your mall views. You will just have to suck it up and find the nearest seating area full of downtrodden men. They will look up from their iPhones and give you a knowing look as you join them to sit in silence. Good luck, my fallen comrade.